Thursday, December 12, 2013
I just reread my last blog post. Over and over again making sure I have forward progress in my grieving, but I think that's going to have to be put on hold for a titch. The holiday season is just too difficult. I don't even know if I can explain it to you. I see her everywhere I go, I dream about her when I sleep. I pretend she is holding my hand through the rough patches of life. I try and channel her energy and smiles and tenderness onto the way I treat my kids. I feel her presence all of the day long. I know she has her hand on my shoulder always. I got my first subtle sign that Momma is watching out for me. I hung some Christmas lights in her memorial garden that I inherited from her. A large string of snowflake lights that have eight different settings and flash brilliantly through the cold winter air. They are very cute! I first tested them inside to make sure they worked and was bummed when I saw that every third snowflake lit up. Oh well....these were her lights and they need to go in her garden. So on two of the balmier days in November, I went out and decorated. As I plugged them all in, the string lights worked, but every third snowflake was out. Something I could live with.... I guess Momma had different opinions on that one. She always decorated to the nines at her home for the holidays and would never fathom hanging lights that were not all lit. Not her. No way. This is the cool part, I promise there's a reason for the boring lights story. Two nights later I come walking up to the house at 10pm after work only to notice EVERY SINGLE SNOWFLAKE LIGHT WAS LIT. I was taken aback for a second and literally rubbed my eyes to see if I was seeing things. Nope, not a vision. The full fledged truth was staring right back at me. Putting those lights in Mom's garden half lit was something she was NOT interested in, and she fixed it. I am certain of that. It was her. It was a sign. It's so typical of her atypical perfectionist behavior. It made me giggle out loud in my back yard at 10pm all by myself. It made me look up to the heaven and stars and say thank you. Thank you for making your presence known. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you for all you did, all you do, and all you will continue to do for me. She's a freakin angel in more ways than one....I love you Momma!!