Not soo much about her this post...

But a little more about me, what's ticking in my head, what I am feeling, thinking, doing, want to do, will do, won't do, and well maybe....

I'm not gonna go and sugar coat it here, I have been a little sad lately.  Well...a lot sad.  Depressed?!?  Not clinically.  Emotionally distraught some moments, just sad other moments.  It's hard, damn hard.  Putting a smile on your face each.and.every.day knowing what I know is hard.  BUT there are things in my life that make it worth living, worth smiling and laughing and giggling some days even.  My blessings are too numerous to count.  I live with four of them <3  I thank God for that each and every day that I pray.  They are my life line and what keeps me motivated to make the most of the moments I am presently living....like tonight for example.  I know I will NOT soon forget this evening.  Glorious.  Hilarious.  P.r.i.c.e.l.e.s.s.

We decided today that we would go golfing.  It was amazing weather, not a grey cloud in the sky.  Why not, right?  I have become quite an avid fan of the sport of golf.  Haven't played in near 14 years, but now, well I am hooked :S  Anyway.....we play the first 9 and the weather is still soo heavenly, we decide to go for another 9.  Two holes to go, sky clouds up, gets a little grey....hmmmmmm.  I distinctly remember checking radar AND the weather report, and it stated 'no rain' forecasted for this evening.  Wrong.  Wow.  They got that one sooooo wrong.  I just finished a great shot out of the fareway and the wind picked up, and I could literally hear the rain starting to fall on the other side of the golf course.  By the time we realized the rain was upon us, it was too late.  And I mean WAY too late.  The trip to the clubhouse was the longest trip in history, I swear.  Rain pelting us from all sides, and that rain was cold.  Wind whipping all around, but thank goodness no hail.  Ouch, yeah.  THAT would have been quite painful.  By the time we got our clubs put away and got into the van, I just wanted to burst out laughing.  I was too cold though!  I giggled and thought to myself, "I will NEVER forget this golf outing, EVER!!!"  It was incredibly hilarious to be out in the middle of the course, completely unaware of the impending storm, and to just be hammered like that (thankfully nothing severe) and to be soaked to the bone....made me feel like a kid again.  Loved that feeling.  Love the feeling that I know I will never forget this day.  The feeling of making memories.  Cherishing the time we have together, even if some days get cut short because of the 'rain'.  Make the best of it.  Make it worth remembering.  Most importantly LAUGH and HAVE FUN while it's raining.  Your 'now' will never be here again.  Don't waste it worrying if you're gonna get wet or cold or if your hair is going to get ruined.  Walk straight into that rainstorm and stomp in those puddles with bare feet.  Because that is what I intend on doing...and you should, too.

In One Day's time, it's all changing :(

Saturday was soo p.e.r.f.e.c.t.  Even in all its' stormy, rainy glory.  The lunch date and the chatting....it was beautiful.  But tonight is another day in a cancer patients' life and it's all not soo glamorous.  It's ugly, it's disgusting, is cruel, and it's wrong.  She's feeling horrible, nauseated, and vomiting as well.  Very tired, and more pain is radiating across to the other side of her back.  God......I don't like this.  I am not using God in a profane sense of the word.  I am speaking to him.  Right here.  Right now.  Don't let her go through this nonsense.  No suffering.  No sickness.  She's had enough.  My God, you KNOW she's had enough.  And I will even go as far as being soo selfish as to say I have had enough.  I don't want to see the suffering or hear about it or have her go through it.  I know it's coming.  I have tried to prepare myself....but that's just impossible.  How can you EVER prepare enough for what cancer does to someone?  You can't.  I am here to tell you that.  You can't.  I can't.  I won't.  I am leaving her in God's hands and trusting him to make the right decisions for her.  I can't make those kind of decisions.  This is where faith comes in.  It would be AMAZING if I still had 100% of my faith left....I'm not gonna blow smoke and say it's all there.  It's waivering.  BUT I will continue to pray for peace and faith and comfort and love.  I don't think I have felt this much fear internally since the first traumatic pain episode way back in June.  That fear was stifled for a bit watching my Mom have beautiful days, dazzling smiles, and giggles with the kids.  But it's back....in full force and knocking at the door to my soul, and my soul is shaking in its' stance.  I can do this.  SHE can do this.  We will get through this ugly time, so for now I leave you with two words that are abundantly important to me right now....PRAY PLEASE <3

Those Hard Conversations....

Those talks are not fun...the hard conversations.  It's the elephant in the room each and EVERY time we get together.  That elephant is Pancreatic cancer.  We all know it's there.  We all know it ain't goin' nowhere.  We all know what it will do.  The hard part is discussing what it is going to do, what to expect, what not to expect, what to be fearful of, and what questions to ask.  Hard conversations on any level in ANY relationship are not enjoyable.  But once you find the courage to have those types of talks, you will often find out that the both of you are on the same page and have the same beliefs, hopes, worries, and fears.  I find myself becoming more and more at ease discussing the difficult times ahead.  Sort of 'joking' about some things right along with my Mom.  Some of the topics she jokes around with would without a doubt make an outsiders' jaw drop straight to the ground in shock.  I know the first time she made a reference to dying of cancer, I was dumbstruck, but immediately followed up by saying "I want no part in this type of conversation yet."  She respected my wishes and never said another word about 'dying' or talking about when she would no longer be with us.  Those types of conversations for me were the HARDEST.  I could not and would not hear her thoughts on what my life and her husbands life would be like after she was gone.  I couldn't fathom it, would not imagine it, Hell I even denied it.  Pretty vehemently, too.  Had zero desire to discuss it.  But peace and love and acceptance have changed me....

I am happy to admit that I am now o.k. with talking about what to expect when we get closer to the end of life.  I have even gone so far as to ask Hospice some HARDCORE questions right in front of my Mom.  No hiding it there...just being brutally honest asking for direction, guidance, and answers.  There are days when my Mom now feels it is appropriate to talk about her wishes as she transitions.  I talk and I give input, but most importantly I LISTEN...I listen with an open mind and an open heart.  Two months ago, there was not a chance I would have been able to do that.  Not. ONE. single. chance.  So I am here to confess that I am growing, changing, learning, stumbling, making mistakes, and acknowledging the real.  It''s real, it's here, it's not going anywhere.  My 'real' will be here whether or not I hide from it.   I am aware that I am making baby steps in the direction of being a better daughter...working on tackling that elephant in the room!

I couldn't NOT do a blog post tonight...

...just for the simple fact that today was near perfect.  In every way, shape, and form.  From the moment I got up and was greeted by one strawberry blonde and one blonde haired girl who were up quite early, to the very moment I crawled into my bed tonight.  Today was one thing....perfect.  Even with the rain storm and the lightening and the thunder to cloud up the day for awhile, there was NOTHING or no one that could have stolen my sunshine for the day.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I can't even remember in recent history a day like today that was soo pleasant.  I have spent much of my time focused on how to help, how to cope, how to hide, and how to live without fear.  I focus all too much of my energy on trying to fix what is already soo badly broken, trying to cure a cancer that can't be cured.  I am obsessive about checking in with my Mom on a daily basis (several times a day most days)  just to make sure she is ok, feeling good, and is not in need of a pick me up or a phone call.  Soo much energy some days is focused on what I can NOT change, and that has a true tendency to bring me down.  As it would any person.  But today......well today, again was P.E.R.F.E.C.T.  I am blessed beyond measure, and very happy that I could spend the day with loved ones just enjoying idle chit chat and company.  Something as simple as a lunch date with my Mom and her hubby and my three entertaining little humans filled me with such joy and positive energy.  Unfortunately my better half had a class to attend for coaching, and he would have enjoyed the lunch date just as much as we did.

It started out as a simple lunch date at the Lincoln Cafe in my Mom's home town.  Close to home, no travelling, great food, amazing companionship.  Then the rain started to try and damper my plans, but nope, didn't let it happen ;)  The kids and I packed up, headed out early, and picked up my Mom and hubby and headed to lunch.  Just about the time we got sat down and looking thru the menus, the skies darkened, the rain started and the thunderstorm show began.  It did not take any attention away from the lunch...we chatted about how much my 13 year old could eat, what my little pickle did and did not like to eat, and how my middle child didn't like ketchup.  We talked about school starting, and puppy dog pets, rain clouds and lightening, and how we all were extremely grateful that tomorrow was Sunday.  It was THE perfect lunch date with THE perfect people.  And right there in that very moment, I sat in silence for a few, just soaking in my surroundings.  Watching my Mom listen with intent to the kids' stories, eating her lunch and laughing at my big kids' not soo humorous jokes.  It was an a-ha moment for me....things right now are as good as they are going to be for a very long time, so WHY do I torture myself with sadness?  Or grief, or misery, or worry?  I desperately need to learn to live in the now....which in most cases I do, but I need to get 'better' at it.  I am surrounded by love and by beautiful people that value each other and cherish the moments and live for the day.  So, I will too.....I will strive to live for today and not try to look down the road a month from now, constantly wondering WHAT will happen and when.  Just look, listen, breathe, smile, and love.  Because really, isn't that what's important?

Grace...and Sheltering me from the Truth

These two words are thrown around in daily conversation far too much for me.  I often wonder when I hear someone use the word 'grace' in a sentence...."Do they REALLY know what Grace is?"  Same goes for Dignity.  The official definition of grace that I agree with is this..."a virtue given by God."  Plain and simple.  You can not be full of grace or act gracefully if it is not given to you by God.  End of story.  Have you ever heard of a graceful felon?  Or a graceful arsonist?  Nope, didn't think so....  In my world, grace is given to you by God and there's one person on this earth that has been endowed with the utmost grace.....my Momma.  Even with a terminal illness, that woman has more grace than I have ever wished to have.  It was given to her by God, and well,  she earned it.  She earned the title "Most graceful woman I have ever known" and she should wear that title proudly.

I know my Mom thinks she is doing me a solid by NOT telling me about her breakthrough pain that she has been having more frequently.  She chooses her words very carefully making sure to NOT get me too riled up, nervous, worried, and next thing you know I am flying over to Belle Plaine beating my record 9 minute arrival time the first time the massive pain attacks started.  I know she thinks she is doing me a favor.  I know that she is trying to protect her only child, her baby girl (which she still calls me lovingly).  I know what she thinks she is doing feels right to her...but.  It doesn't feel right to me.  It might be the 'socially acceptable' thing to do, by keeping your loved ones at bay and not letting them know your cancer is progressing.  But I don't like it....not.one.single.bit.  But I cannot change the protective nature in her.  It's always been there and it will always be there, no matter how bad she is feeling.  I wish it were different and I wish I didn't have to find out from her husband that her day was really not quite as stellar as she told me it was.  The first few times I found out she was 'hiding the truth', I became angry.  I wanted to declare to her that she had to immediately STOP lying to me.  I was feeling selfish for sure, scared 100%.  But as the next few pain episodes arose and she would tell me of one or two of them and not all of them, I began to realize she was doing what she THOUGHT was the right thing to do.  I thank God for her husband that has always offered up the brutal truth to me no matter when I ask for it.  Otherwise I might never have known the truth about how far the cancer is progressing.  I do realize now in hindsight that what she hides from me or just 'forgets' to tell me about, I have to be O.K. with that.  It's her way to deal with her cancer with grace and with dignity.  I can give her that much....Hell I would give her my life if I could to save hers.  This does not mean that I will not whisper under my breath some strong profanities when I hear that her days are not going as well as planned, but I promise that I will never let her hear that.  I will give her the stink eye, maybe, a frown possibly, a hug, most definitely.  Because a woman with grace and dignity protects her loved ones, no matter what, until the bitter end...and I need to learn to accept that.

Hour long phone conversations...

That's what makes my world go round right now.  I love the fact that even though I just spoke with my Mom on Sunday for 30 minutes, and on Monday I called her this evening and we talked for 59 cherishing minutes...about nothing and about everything.  About the weather and the sky and the way I parent my children.  About life and counting blessings, and her grandchildren, and death.  About renewing her driver's license, grocery shopping, doing chores for her husband, and her dog.  About her wanting to give my oldest son a gift, being soo very very tired she can barely hold her eyes open at fifteen minutes until eight, and breakthrough pain that required extra pain medication.  And about the 'shoulder shawl' she received from Hospice yesterday with a prayer attached...it was in Kansas City Chiefs colors, her favorite football team.  A woman that had lost her daughter to a form of cancer makes these shoulder shawls for Hospice cancer patients and I could tell my Mother would forever hold it near and dear to her heart.  As she was reading the prayer to me that was attached to the shawl, I could literally hear the tears swelling in her eyes, her voice cracking with emotion, and by the time she reached the end of the prayer...full on crying.  I paused for the first time during that 59 minute conversation and said "Can I ask you a question, Mom?  Why are you crying?  Are you crying because you are sad or are you crying for some other reason?"  Her response was purely perfect.  She said "I am crying because I am grateful."  I sighed a rather large sigh (loud enough to be heard over the phone) of relief.  I told her "Ya know, when YOU are the way you are it is very easy for people to do nice things for you.  You are a loving, talented, independent, strong willed, BADASS Mom that has endured the worst that life has to offer.  You would move Heaven and Earth for any of your family members, and you pretty much have moved Heaven and Earth already just by being you."  I reaffirmed to her the amazing life she has led for herself and what she has accomplished.  I gave her ALL the credit for raising me the way she did, and in turn helping me to raise my own three children to be confident, polite, independent souls.  It's what she does and what she will do and what she did that makes me who I am today.  And a very tiny part of that is the wisdom I gain from those 59 minutes of pure bliss chatting on the phone with her.

It has been a few days of ups and downs with her being soo incredibly sleepy and nodding off all day long.  The pain is minimal and breaks through in late afternoon, but thankfully being handled at home.  So the update on her is not bad and it's not perfect, but it is her 'today' and tomorrow could be totally different.  Right now her biggest complaint is the constant lethargy....unfortunately that will probably not go away.  Today is another day 'in the books' and we are looking forward to a productive and lovely tomorrow <3

Working on the guilt...

dealing with guilt is something NO ONE wants to do...because it usually means you have done wrong.  In fact, the actual definition of guilt is the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability.  Guilt is oh soo two sided though.  Have you ever thought if it that way?  You can be guilty of a crime or wrong doing but feeling guilty is self induced.  It's ashamed - feeling shame or guilt or embarrassment or remorse.  I suffer from the latter....self induced guilt, and there's a rhyme but no reason for me to feel that guilt.


I started feeling my 'guilt' the day my Mom was diagnosed.  I thought...Why not me? Why her?  Why do I get to be healthy and happy when this woman busted her ass day and night and on the weekends too as a single mother to make damn sure I had a roof over my head a new car to drive when I turned 16?  This woman who was now diagnosed with a terminal cancer would have and STILL would crawl to the ends of the earth just to see me smile.


The guilt continued on through all her treatments. If I missed a treatment because of work, guilt was thick.  If I could not be there for her to hold her hand and chat during the 6 hour infusion, I was riddled with shame.  Granted there were good reasons as to why I couldn't be there for every treatment, but nonetheless, the self induced guilt was there.


After the disease metastasized and progressed, the guilt came in a different form.  It's a guilt I should not feel, but I do feel shame somedays for 'having a life' and having fun'.  I feel guilty for being able to go out in the hot son with my son and play some baseball.  I feel guilty I am healthy enough to work and can't spend every single day with her making more memories.  The shame rears its' ugly head some days just when I laugh.  I catch myself saying "How dare you enjoy yourself when your Mother is at home dying?"  It honestly is the hardest form of feeling to shake.  It's not like a bad mood.  Those usually go away after I get a good nights' sleep.  Not guilt....it's just hanging on.  


I have postponed any vacations or trips or outings too far away from home because the guilt I would feel IF something happened while I was far away is too much to handle.  That would be something I could NOT live the rest of my life feeling.  But I know what I need to do now to get over the guilt that rears its' ugly head.  I need to give myself PERMISSION to be guilt free.  To be happy, carefree, and enjoy my health.  That permission in the long run will serve to make me a better person, a better mother, a better daughter.  Working on that....


Tomorrow is the visit from Hospice and my Mom told me she asked them to bring a scale so she can weigh herself.  When she mentioned that to me, my heart stopped and I instantly bit my tongue.  I was ready to spew out insanity asking her WHY she would want to do this?  She has lost a TON of weight and is very thin.  This is what happens to pancreatic cancer patients.  They lose weight rapidly until there is no more weight to lose.  I think curiosity is getting the best of her.  I think that if she could choose her day or week to make her transition into Heaven, she would definitely do that as well.  Maybe seeing her weight on a scale is her way of gaining control over her feelings?  Or maybe not?  I am baffled at this thought of her wanting to see her weight loss on paper, per say.  But it is what it is and if she wants to be weighed, then let it be done.  I will support that decision.


I will leave you with a quote, because if you know anything about me, you KNOW I am always reading quotes, soaking in inspiration and looking for ways to make my thoughts better....


Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, or barely getting by.  That feeling is a lie.  And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it another day.  ...we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in this world, to remind us that it won't always be this way.