Tuesday, October 8, 2013

She is responsible for my life here on Earth....

My mother obviously is the one who decided to bring me into this world kicking and screaming.  She raised me with morals, values, manners, and a generous heart.  She taught me to give more than I receive.  She handed me tough love when I needed it, and a thoughtful hug when I deserved it.  She was always there for me.  Through every scraped knee, bike wreck, baseball bat to the head (twice in my life), softball injury, first date jitters.  Through all three births of her grandchildren, every milestone they hit, I was on the phone to her.  She never EVER let me down and made it perfectly clear that her love for me was unconditional.  As I woke up this morning to the day my mother gave birth to me, that hole in my heart that was left when she passed away was a bit bigger.  I felt the loss of my mother more throughout today than I have in the past four months she has been gone.  Typical I am sure....painful, nonetheless.

I miss her so much it hurts.  Every birthday since I can remember having a cell phone, she has ALWAYS called me after 7pm.  Usually 7:09pm...right after she finished talking to her hubby when he was on his second shift work break.  I would answer the phone and would her her tiny little voice singing happy birthday to me the only way she knew how.  Hilarious.  She always had her special way of singing the song, too.  I can still recite it in my head.  I.miss.this.  I miss her.  I miss her voice and her hugs and her soft tone of voice.  I miss seeing her spoiling my kids on weekend visits and I miss her spoiling me. 

I won't lie, turning 40 has not been on my "favorite things to do in the year 2013" list.  But it's done and over with and it's my first birthday without her.  The day she passed started a cycle of 'firsts' for me.  None of them which I am very fond of, but I will make it through.  Just as my 14 year old son told me tonight as he poked his finger towards my heart.... "That's where your Momma is....in your heart."  He couldn't be more right.  I feel her with me all the day and night.  I am thankful she is at peace and I am working towards my own.  My own family spoiled the hell out of me this evening and it was perfect.  It was priceless.  They joked on how the cake could not hold 40 candles and catered me with an amazing supper.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Keeping that in mind.....turning 40 ain't all that bad ;)