I am not ready to believe the signs. I am certain she is not going to pass away tomorrow. But the uncertainty is killing me. It's ripping my insides apart and playing games with my mind. One day I think it's alright to e happy, and she's doing fantastic. The next day, she's vomiting and nauseated. Pain sneaks up on her when she least expects it and it comes on strong and sudden. Enough to throw even the strongest into a full blown panic. The newest symptom is Ascites. This means there is an excessive amount of fluid building up in her abdomen causing swelling. It also will cause swelling in the ankles and legs. Ascites is particularly common in the end stages of Pancreatic Cancer. NOT.what.I.wanted.to.read. Screw Google search. I know better than that. I have been down that road reading far too much on the internet and learning things I wish I had never learned. I guess we need to know the truth. I know the outcome. I know she will never be cured. But again, the uncertainty of when and if she will suffer and how long she will live, it's almost too much to bear. She has been so blessed with 2 plus years of surviving already. When is her luck going to run out?
I find the thoughts that are monopolizing my everyday thoughts, are quite selfish in my opinion. There are days where I am disgusted by some of the things that fly through my tortured brain. I am not even courageous enough to put them on paper. Some of these thoughts I would never ever expect to cross my mind. I don't get it. I am NOT a selfish person. I live and breathe for family. I will immediately drop everything to be there for a friend, but in this time of trial, I find that the ugly side of me is making its' presence known. :( My question is this...HOW do I get back to being thankful? For being grateful to God for letting us spend this extra time with my Mother? Why do I feel this way? Will this torture every go away? I have so many questions and so little answers. Frustration. That would be the key word here. Disgusted. Dismayed. Hurt.
In a grand summary, we are thinking the beast within is starting to close in on my Mom. It has been sneaking up more and more lately, tightening the grip on her life. Stifling her energy, trying to crush her spirit. That's not happening. No way. She still smiles all the time and loves her grandkids more every second. She still cooks her hubby supper and decorates for Christmas. She loves her obnoxiously loud puppy and hugs me when I need it most. Cancer may have a grip on my Mom, but it will never take away her spirit.
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