Every day since Sunday Hospice had been making visits to see my mom. Obviously there is a reason for that. Just last week the visits were twice a week. Oh how far we have come. I have been there with her every single day, helping her get up and down, learning the needed skills from Hospice to make my Mom's life more comfortable. We are learning to pick her up using a belt around her waist, learning to crush medications, forced to become comfortable with injectable meds when the time comes that she is no longer able to swallow. I am becoming accustomed to what time she takes her meds, what meds are critical at certain times, and what meds to add in for break through pain. I have recently become familiar with what a 'pressure wound' is. If you would have asked me four days ago, I would have no idea. I know now. Mom has a large pressure wound on her right heel. It has about doubled in size in two days. For those of you not familiar, a pressure wound is an injury cause by unrelieved pressure that damages the underlying tissues and skin. Similar to a bed sore. She has a very large bed sore, too. On her left hip. The difference between her pressure wound and bed sore is the sore is more of a large 'ouchie', a really bad skinned knee, road rash, something comparable to that. The pressure wound on her hell is just a very large blister, no scabbing, just full of fluid. She honestly didn't know she had EITHER of them, which tells me she certainly isn't feeling too much because these 'ouchies' hurt me just to look at them. I guess that means the pain meds are doing their job? Or is it that she is just so unaware of the little things in life that we make a big deal out of? like blisters and skinned up knees? Does she see beyond the small stuff and choose not to complain? Trust me, this woman does NOT complain. And she's dying. Not a word. Only time she ever mentions pain or swelling or stiffness or soreness is if I ask her. Otherwise, nothing. Not a word. She spends her energy asking about the kids and my family. That's just the way she is built.
Her thought process is seriously compromised right now. You can talk to her and she will answer in one to two sentences at a time. Not a lot. There are some nonsense ramblings out of the blue that she says...like she is talking out loud all these things that are going through her head. Some of her thoughts are precious. When she looks at her husband and out of the blue says "Yes Michael you really do have pretty eyes". Or when he is helping her out of her chair, she looks at him very disconcerting and says "Michael, you're losing weight." Seriously? Really? She's concerned with her hubby losing weight? Like I said, that's how she's built. I am cherishing her 'out loud' thinking right now. She's saying whatever she wants, no filter, no discretion, no warnings. Brutal honesty.
We all are very aware that she may only have a few more good days of being alert and awake. Already just in the last couple of days, her sleeping is increasing ten fold. There will come a time where she will be difficult to get her to communicate with us, let alone get out of bed. Therefore a hospital bed is being delivered Friday to put in the living room so she doesn't have to be stuck in the bedroom all day. That marks another turning point for her. She didn't ever want to get a hospital bed, but she did discuss with me not dying in her own bed. For her own reasons.
Our Hospice nurse Amber, is a saint in my eyes right now. I have told her at least three or four times in the last five days that she ALWAYS knows the right things to say to me and to mom and to Michael. And she does. She's obviously amazing at what she does and she was born to do what she does. I would not want any other nurse taking care of my mother. Amber puts things into perspective and always gives me different and appropriate ways to look at things. She sheds a light on a subject in a way I would never consider. It's heart touching to say the least that a nurse can have such a positive influence on my daily thinking. And my Mother ADORES Amber. She trusts her. She loves her. Just like she loves me. Their relationship is one that we wish we never had to have and if we never met Amber, it would be because my Mom didn't have cancer and I would be ok with that. She's in our life for a reason. She's perfect.
I apologize for the rambling but once I get going, there are times I can't shut off my brain. As for me, I think I am doing ok. I don't sleep much, but I have plenty of time for that later. Today my morning started off at 3:30am bright and early after going to bed around 1am. One of these days I will crash. Hard. But for now we will keep plugging away and being thankful for each breath that she takes, thankful that I have my daughter's softball practices (helping coach) to let me escape for a few hours a week. Need that. Oh do I ever need that. Last night practice was freezing cold, windy, and just downright miserable, but watching my lil redhead do THE best slides into second base was just what the doctor ordered. I was so proud. I was beaming. I was SMILING. I was happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment