A wise friend once told me...

That title is somewhat the truth...I asked a friend tonight about what I was feeling and if it was 'normal' to have these feelings.  I have never lost a loved one to cancer.  I have lost family members, but only a couple.  I was very young when my Grandpa passed.  He passed on in his sleep.  There was no preparation for his entrance into Heaven.  One day he was there, and took a nap, and the next, just gone.  No suffering, no regimens of pain meds and anti nausea meds and anti anxiety meds and Hospice visits.  Just a peaceful passing.  As we walk down this road God has already paved for my Mother, I am plagued with ill feelings.  With angry feelings, selfish and not so happy feelings.  Feelings of guilt, regret, joy, and sadness.  All of these feelings I can sum up in a sentence, and that sentence is what I asked a friend about.  That sentence is............................  I desperately want my Mother with me, but not like this..........................................

Mom is declining at her own pace every few hours.  More confusion, lots of nodding off while sitting and standing, dead a$$ tired, up for only about four or five hours today.  If you are doing the math, that means she is sleeping for 19-20 hours a day right now.  NOT where we want to be, but sleep is best for her.  While she is awake, she's so tired.  You can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her smiles.  She's exhausted but that brain of hers just will NOT give in.  So I will propose above mentioned question to you all.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  That the selfish side of me wants my Momma here with ME for a very very long time, but not like this?  I hurt to know that we will probably never get to have those amazing hour phone calls any longer.  No more texting all day long checking in on her. Gone are the days of taking her to the kids sporting events and watching her smile from ear to ear boasting about her grandkids.  I just don't want the suffering.  We have had all the time in the world to prepare for this.  Three years to be exact.  Now that we are nearing the end, it sucks.  It hurts.  It's like a vise squeezing my heart kind of hurt.  Yes my heart REALLY does hurt.

There's a plus side to all this heartache and pain.  I have a greater knowledge of who my TRUE friends and family are.  I am 150% certain about who I can trust, who I know will always pick up their phone if I call them at any time of day or night, and I know who I can rely on to help me out in time of need.  All of this has become crystal clear to me in the last couple of years.  For that I am Blessed, I am Thankful, I am Lucky.  

As the hours and days go by, I will continue to update as much as I can.  I will include what details I feel are appropriate and leave out the ones that make me feel vulnerable.  Some people have mentioned to me that my writing has helped them realize things in their trials of life, and that's why I will be committed to updating the blog.  Besides, it's therapeutic.  I am not a people person and the best of my friends know this.  This blog helps me relay my Mother's journey one step at a time without having to repeat it to several people several times a day so that they can watch me cry a river of tears.  Thank.Goodness.for.that.  Ugly cries are to be had in private.