...I haven't made a blog entry in FOUR months, folks....four months. That, my friend, is a pretty hefty amount of time when you have been stricken with terminal cancer. I couldn't be more proud of being a daughter of a cancer fighter than I am right at this very moment. She has literally defied ALL of the odds, all of the obstacles, met her milestones, and continued on her life journey. She's a fighter. Plain.and. Simple. She's my Momma. And unfortunately she is very very ill.
I started this blog specifically to help me clear my head of thoughts before I go to bed at night. I find it quite theraputic most days. I am not Shakespeare, but I try and maybe someone else out there is going through the exact same thing as me, and they will feel comforted knowing they are not alone.
The not so fun stuff....my Mom's health. She is hanging in there, each day brings new challenges. Some days are so much better than others. Some days just plain suck. Her legs all the way from her ankles to her abdomen are full of fluid, and this makes daily life painful. Very, very painful. Her legs are red and swollen and blistered and cracking. Her skin on her legs looks as if it is about to burst. Most days it takes her a good hour or so to get up and moving around. She has been sleeping in later and later every day. Most days she was up by 9am. This last week she has slept in a lot longer. Today was almost noon before she got up. She needs her rest and we will let her sleep and we will not disturb her. But to brutally honest, I have googled enough information to know that an increase in sleeping has its' own ominous definition. So does the swelling. I will let you all figure that out on your own.
I talked about morphine on my last post in December. She has hit that crossroad where the pain is just too unbearable. Administering morphine into her daily regimen of pills has helped. I know that for the longest time, the word morphine scared us all. When I think of morphine, I think comatose, out like a light for days, don't wanna wake up after surgery kind of morphine. It's not like that. Go figure.... Thank goodness it's not like that. She is a bit groggier than when she is not taking it, but it takes the edge off of the pain in her legs. If it makes her comfortable, then so be it. The word morphine no longer frightens me because this is what needs to be done for HER. Her hubby has been taking off work to be with her 24/7, and that is a blessing in itself. Anything she needs, he gets it. If she needs help, he's right there. He loves her with every ounce of his being and he wears his heart on his sleeve for her. Talk about being blessed with one of the best caregivers in time of need.
There are a couple things more personally that I am noticing that are progressions of the disease, but I will save my questions and my assuming to myself until I have spoken with Hospice this week. I do myself NO GOOD getting worked up over something trivial to them, but seems urgent to me.
Her time left here on this Earth is short lived, I am sure. I struggle with that thought daily. I am a planner. I like to know when things are going to happen and why and how and with who. This situation is out of my hands and I am finding it very difficult to let Him deal with it. Let God make the decision when he sees fit to. My only concern is that we stay AHEAD of her pain, I have no interest in seeing her suffer any more.
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