Life can show no mercy..

"Things have seemed to change...There's one thing that still the same....in my heart you have remained..."

Michael Buble can sing things I could not put on paper myself even though the thoughts are there.  Babe You're Not Lost is on repeat in my car and on my kindle and in the laundry room while I am folding clothes. Life for Mom has taken such a drastic downturn in two weeks.  Major.  Heartbreaking, overwhelming changes.  She is a shell of herself.  I can see her spirit and her soul in her eyes and feel it through her hugs.  Her body has all but given up.  Her body is lost.  It's a horrible comparison, but it's my comparison.  The only way I can express to you in writing what is going on is this.... two weeks ago, she was texting rapidly, sometimes responding almost quicker than my teenage son.  She was cooking suppers and doing some laundry and sweeping the kitchen floors.  Walking unassisted, staying by herself at home for long periods of time.  Standing upright.  Lifting her own legs on her own will.  Sleeping until only 9am or so.  Two weeks later, none of that is the same.  Each and every thing you and I take for granted everyday (which you SHOULDN'T) comes as a struggle for her.  She walks with a cane. She doesn't wake up until around 11:30 or 12 noon.  It takes her a couple hours to wake up and become mobile enough to walk around the house.   She needs help lifting her legs into bed.  Cooking for her is few and far between, but she did manage to make her husband his weekly dose of taco meat, which is tradition for those two.  Sundays she makes taco meat, just for her hubby.  And that makes her very happy. Her legs and abdominal area are still swollen.  the fluid in her lungs can be heard thru stethescope, but only in the lower area.  Her right hand is very swollen, but her left hand is not?  Don't ask, because I know not why?  And the newest development, which has me worried, is the swelling in her face.  Mainly on the left side.  The vision in her left eye is half way obstructed by the swelling in her upper eyelid.  Her cheek and her lip are puffy, Hell, even her ear.  Hospice is saying it is most likely her kidneys are being affected.  That was the term they used...."affected".  Which in reality I know what that means.  Her kidneys are shutting down.  I am no doctor, but I have googled enough information to know.  Kidney failure is devastating.  We all know what's coming, but my Mother has a way of making her life worth living regardless of her health.  Obviously I am devastated.  Unfortunately, it's her norm.  The swelling will continue to pool in different areas, it will never get better.  I have comfort and peace knowing that Hospice is helping her long her journey keeping her free of discomfort.

Everyone is constantly asking me...."Is she in pain?"  The answer to that....the pain never leaves BUT that is not her number one complaint.  Her pain is being managed and that is a blessing!!!  Most pancreatic cancer patients have issues with eating, digestion, pain, nausea, etc.  She seems for now to have dodged that bullet.  Amen Amen Amen.

Hospice is coming again today after an unplanned visit yesterday to check out the swelling in her face after 24 hours.  Looks like we are going down the path of having Hospice visit more than twice a week.  I would prefer at this point that they do, but try and tell her that...she's still so darn stubborn :)  Its her way or no way.  I love that about her.

So for now, we are praying and loving and hugging and living.  She certainly hasn't given up yet, but she's scared.  She's not scared of passing away, but of what she will miss and how she will get to the 'end of life'.  If curse words offend you, I apologize in advance, but my Mom is a BADASS cancer fighter.  She has more than done her part in challenging all that cancer has handed to her.  I am eternally grateful for each and every phone call, text, and visit we have had and all that are to come.