I am working on me....learning this new life without the woman that has always been there for me. It's always been me and her against the world. She never left my corner. She was the one I called when one of my kids hit a new milestone, and she got a full report from me every single quarter in school about their grades. She was the one I turned to when I wrecked my bike in our old house in Amana to make me feel better. She was the one at the hospital with me for the delivery of all three kids. And she's gone, just like that in an instant. So it's taking some getting used to for me. There are still times EVERY single week that I grab my phone to text her and see how her day is going, only to remember she won't answer. I think about her every night and I say goodnight to her right outside my back door in her memorial garden I built.
This 4th of July was especially difficult. I was praying that somehow someway I went to bed on the 3rd after some fine festivities in Marengo only to notice that we skipped July 4th and went straight on to the 5th. The 4th has always been about celebrating at Maga Moon's house. We would load up the fam, head over to her house, and hang out there with her the entire day. Just us and her and her hubby. Lots of food, lots of snacks, a little fireworks, and Mom frequently let the kids drink way too much pop that day. It was always their special treat when going to Maga's. She made sure they were well taken care of, all hyped up on sugar, and made sure they went home with me so I could deal with the sugar melt downs. I missed all of that this year. My Julys' will never ever be the same. Ever. Not only was Mother's Day bittersweet since she passed away the day before, but now July is equally as hard. Her birthday is also in July. July 23rd to be precise. I called her or visited or brought presents or sent flowers to her job every birthday. I made sure she felt special. Just as she did to me. I remember her cursing me out when I went into labor on her birthday with my third child...and you know WHAT she was cursing about ?!? She says "Don't you dare have my grandbaby on my birthday, the baby needs their own special day, and not share it with me!!!" Well Kamryn Michelle was not born until July 24th. Hmmm....she seemed to be right.
I love her and I miss her and my heart flutters each and every time I see her photos or I read one of the cards that so many of you sent to her. I lose my breath each time someone asks me how I am doing. I know they are referring most times to how I am dealing with the loss of my bestest friend. The fluttering of the heart takes me by surprise. I was not expecting to physically feel pain in my heart, but I do. The fluttering is a sort of hurt that occurs whenever her name is brought up, whenever the kids say they miss her, every day. My heart does still hurt, but I believe my soul is healing. I am becoming who I am supposed to be even if I am not sure who that is right now. I am one thousand times stronger now as opposed to when my mother was riddled with cancer and fighting for her last days. I have learned so much. This battle has taught me things I wouldn't be able to put into words. SHE taught me these things. She taught me through her battles to be strong, never lose faith, and keep fighting. That woman fought until her last breath, and I will, too. She passed on her will for life to me. Now I have to make sure that she is proud of who I am becoming.