The correct definition of "peace of mind" is absence of mental stress or anxiety. I often give thought to what having peace of mind means. It could mean many things to many different people. It means one thing to me right now. I have been struggling for four long months trying to find peace of mind on my mother's passing into Heaven. The mental stress of worrying about her endlessly, every minute of every day is gone. I no longer carry my phone with me to the bathroom 'just in case' there is an emergency. I don't fret and sweat when my phone rings. That sort of mental stress is gone and there is peace of mind knowing she is no longer suffering. The anxiety still lurks. It rears its ugly head around me daily. The correct definition of anxiety is uneasiness or feeling of worry, nervousness, particularly about a specific imminent event or something with an uncertain ending. Doesn't that definition seem to fit the bill that I should no longer be suffering from anxiety? Seems to me the book definition makes it sound like I am still batsh*t crazy with anxiety. The peace of mind that I am eternally looking for is here, but in pieces. Little by little, bit by bit, day by day. I gain a little more peace of mind knowing my Mom is not here on this Earth with me, but watches over my every move from her little slice of Heaven. I will continue to work towards that elusive peace of mind over the whole ordeal of cancer stealing my Mother. I yearn for that peace of mind. It's something I will inevitably struggle with for a very long time, but it's a goal. I need that goal. I need that lack of mental stress and anxiety.
The anxiety I have been experiencing lately comes in all different forms. The holidays are literally right around the corner and this will be the first holidays spent without my best friend. We have numerous traditions that I will miss dearly but you bet your a$$ I will be carrying those traditions on with my kids and reminding them of why we are doing them. EVERY Christmas Eve, we went to Maga Moon's house. Loaded up the kids in the vehicle, packed up the presents, and made the trek to her welcoming home. She always had shrimp cocktail, homemade chili and chicken noodle soup. She spoiled my kids with unhealthy snacks, lots of soda, and candy. We loved Christmas Eve. It was my favorite day of the year. This year will be different. This year will be difficult. This year I would prefer to pull the covers over my head on or around December 23rd, and someone wake me before the New Year. I have massive anxiety over the holidays and how I will deal. I can't catch my breath, I panic wondering how holidays will ever be the same. I.have.anxiety. Tenfold. BUT I have peace of mind knowing that if I was able to help my mother in her transition to Heaven, that I WILL be able to make it through the holidays. I know I have said that part before, but I believe it to be true. She put me to the test her last ten days, and in my opinion I passed. I hope she feels the same. I can do the holiday season. I will do the holiday season. Not without anxiety, not with all the peace of mind that I want. But I will...
No comments:
Post a Comment