It's just non stop for lack of a better term...

The last few days (every day since Thursday)  I have constantly been doing something in our house or TO our house.  Painting, cleaning, laundry, painting, then cleaning some more and painting some more.  When my stress peaks, I move.  I don't stop moving until it is absolutely necessary that I rest for the evening and get some sleep.  It's what I do.  It's how I cope.  I have no other outlets at this point to use, so I focus, I stay busy.  I continually keep my feet and my hands active so that my mind doesn't have ample time to catch up with what worries me.  The more stress that I feel, the faster I move.  The faster I move, all the quicker I forget.  If I 'forget' for a few hours, it makes life livable.  Tolerable.  Status Quo.  If I sit idle, seems as if that is cue for my brain to fire off random thoughts that should not be running through my head.  Scenarios I do not want to see happen.  Actions that will have to be taken.  You understand what I am getting at here?  Lately my relief from the everyday has been some home improvement.  I have been painting and painting.  Black and Hibiscus to be exact.  The girls' bedroom.  I have gone over the top in the time spent glamourizing their bedroom.  (If that is even a word?)  I want them to feel happy, to love their space, to love their life and not have to live out my stress and anger and resentment.  I don't want to put my burden onto my kids, so my way of dodging that bullet is stifling the pain.  That's how everyone copes, right?  Anyone with kids would have to agree with me that instilling your own fear into your children is NOT the right thing to do.  The burden of cancer is NOT a weight I want them to carry too heavily.  All three of my kids are 100% aware of what type of cancer my Mom has, what the long term outcome is, and the uncertainty of it all.  We have had the 'talk' as to what the end might be like, what they will witness and what they don't have to do.  I will not burden them with any sadness or frightful experience that they decide is not in their best interest.  I will respect their wishes and not make them cross their own boundaries that have unknowingly set.  I will not make the last moments of life something that they will never be able to get out of their head if it's too scary.  I can't make them live with that if they so choose to not be there physically at the end.  So by me sprucing up the joint, I think they are sidetracked...and honestly, so am I.  I love the fact that I am focused on something other than cancer all the time.  I need that distraction to keep me on pace for life.  For my own personal benefit.  I sometimes wonder if my body is going to 'crash'.  I would describe my form of crashing as my body physically just giving up for a few days.  Going into idle mode, letting my mind control my body and getting some real sleep for a change.  There's got to be a bottom for this kind of constant activity one would think.  I have NOT hit that bottom yet.  I have slept through the night ONCE in the last 6 months, and I remember that morning vividly.  I felt alive and refreshed and awake and normal.  Every night is different for me, but most nights I am up around 2am, back to sleep at 3am, up at 5am for good.  Sleep eludes me even though I go at mach speed after work.  (and most days during work, too.)  Just waiting to hit that rock bottom...waiting to crash...but for now this train will keep on chuggin down the tracks and make myself distracted from the truth of cancer for a bit longer.  Yes it is like lying to myself.  I choose to lie on occasion so that I am not a puddle of goo and bawling uncontrollably for days.  Is that so bad?  I think not.  I think if you asked my mother how she would want me to be living my life right now, she would say...LIVE IT LOUD.  Live it now.  Breathe that fresh air in and don't you ever forget what God has given you.  E.v.e.r.  The End.