What an eventful last few days. Not anything I wish to repeat anytime soon, either. I am sure my Mother would agree as well. Started Thursday and was relentless until Saturday...pain, nausea, fatigue, more pain, and a LOT more pain. It was three of the most scary times ever in this entire journey through pancreatic cancer. It was a pain she could not get control of. Everytime she tried to stifle the pain with more medication, all the more frustrated and upset she became because the meds were NOT working. The pain was still there. Stabbing in her abdomen, drilling pain in her back, radiating on both sides. It broke her will, and that's not what usually happens. That is not in her plans. She's a fighter and a damn good one at that, and this bout with the pain....the pain won. I hate to even say that, but she had to take an unbelievable amount of medication to get it under control. Unfathomable. I would be on the floor slobbering out of both sides of my mouth talking of riding a kangaroo across the nearby town of Amana. SO frustrating. For her it was agony. They finally did get the pain under control but it took bringing out the big guns to get it done. The one word I was not looking forward to hearing. Morphine.
In clinical medicine, morphine is regarded as the gold standard, or benchmark, of opioid analgesics used to relieve severe or agonizing pain and suffering.
Yeah...that's what I know about morphine. That and the fact that they use it for post operative pain. Post op. After you have been cut open. Not a ball of fun. So obviously the pain she is having and the medication she is taking is not doing its' job. Upping the dosages and adding in the morphine had been one of my biggest fears in this journey. I can't put my finger on exactly why it bothers me so much, but I gather it's the idea that morphine can do wacky things to your thought process, It can make you say and do things you would not normally do or say. And it's a VERY powerful drug. That makes it even more ominous. Because the need for morphine is there, the pain is obviously becoming intolerable. The cancer is growing and invading. I am scared. Scared for what's down the road, scared for what tomorrow brings her. Fearful that she will wake up every day just like she woke up Friday, straight awake as soon as the meds wore off, grimacing, crying, writhing in pain. It DOESN'T have to be like this and I think she is aware of this now. She has always wanted to cope with the pain on her terms, not anyone elses. She regulates the amount of meds she ingests. Never too much. Afraid that if she is taking too much, we will all think (and we already know) that she can't handle it. It would be like her saying "I give up". That's her mentality and trust me, there is nothing in the world that I can do to change that. This mother of mine is a scrapper and cancer is getting a run for it's money right now. Promising you this...after all the pain she endured this weekend, she has realized how crucially important it is to stay one step ahead of the game. One step ahead of the pain. Don't ever let that pain swell up enough to be felt. Stifle it down as much as you possibly can with the medications you have been given. No one on this earth should EVER have to suffer like she has. It's inhumane, it's cruel, there is NO reason right now that I can think of as to why it is happening to my mother, but alas it is what it is. I will continue to make those late night trips to her house when she is having issues, helping her cope, giving her my shoulder to lay her head on and I will hug her and tell her the pain will leave soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment