Little Girls grow up dreaming of their weddings....

What will their dress look like?  How handsome will their groom be?  What will be the color scheme for the wedding?  Will there be an intimate guest list or hundreds on hand?  These are all the same questions that go through every girls' mind when they think of their wedding day.  Then you grow up, get married, and grow old together.  One day you will reflect on your lives together and maybe decide that it's time you should renew your vows.  Seems to me that renewing vows has become more common as of lately and there are MANY reasons why couples decide to do so.  BUT....

What if the decision to renew your vows with your loved one was based on sickness?  On Cancer?  On how much time you had left on this earth?  Most couples renew their vows for other reasons...reaffirming their love for one another, making up for the wedding they did not have when they got hitched the first time at the Justice of the Peace, or just an excuse to have another wedding and a big hulaballoo with family and friends. Whatever your reason is.....do you think you could hold your head high with dignity and grace knowing you were renewing your vows and planning the date for said renewal based on your health?  Based on how you were feeling the two weeks prior to the ceremony?  Based on the fact that Hospice is granting your version of a 'Make a Wish'?  My Mom did all of that.  A simple ceremony at Franklin Park with a host of family and a few close friends.  An amazing amount of love and tears and support and prayers.  I could literally FEEL them being lifted up in prayer that splendid afternoon.  The love that poured out of their hearts, the tears that trickled down almost everyone's cheeks.  Renewing of vows is supposed to be the happiest of times.  A day filled with celebration and cheer.  This renewal was plagued with fear.  And with strength.  With graciousness and with courage.  Knowing that this day could very well be the last day that she will physically hug some of her close friends and family that have travelled to be with her on this day.  I can't even really put into words just what the feelings were for me.  I will try...My chest felt heavy the moment I arrived at the park.  Heavy with sadness and burden that cancer has put onto my Mother.  A burden that I wish I could carry somedays instead of her.  My head was a bit foggy and I was very unsure of how the whole day was going to go down.  I get to see my Mom several times a week, so I let her mingle and meander with friends, chuckling and giggling and crying and hugging.  Times where I just gazed at her, in complete awe of her courage and ability to fight as long as she has.  She is still fighting each and every second she is on this earth.  And here she is sitting in the park amongst the best of the best of her friends and her family.  With nothing but a SMILE on her face, and a twinkle of tears in her eyes.  THAT is the dignity and grace I described in an earlier post.  She has achieved that grace.  197%...there is no doubt.  To walk through all of her loved ones, look them in the eye and tell them she will be fine.  That she feels fine.  That her world is fine.  She is anything but fine.  But what she is...Full of Grace, Dignified, Strong, Peaceful, Loved.  Oh dear, is she ever loved.  <3

So to say that the Renewal of Vows was all roses and candies and frosting and puppies would be a lie.  I breathed a sigh of relief when it was over, because as 5pm approached, I did see my mom grasping at her abdomen, and I knew in an INSTANT that it was time for pain meds.  By the time I caught up with her and told her it was 5:20, she was a bit uncomfortable.  Thank goodness the crowd was winding down and the day was coming to an end.  I will say this...I wish for all of you reading that cancer does not invade your family the way it has ours.  But I do wish that you could learn from what cancer has taught me.  It has invaded my soul, but has made my mother terminal.  Does that make sense even?  Cancer doesn't just affect the patient.  It's so much more than that.  My mother fights the hardest  battle of them all, but it affects all of us.  Makes us have to go through such agonizing events such as renewing vows based on health, based on being diagnosed terminal, based on cancer.  See what I mean?  I will leave you with this photo, which I think speaks volumes for what the day was like.  My Mother, her husband, and my kids...the only two missing  from the photo is Jason and me.  Otherwise this photo is my world and I will forever hold this close to my heart, my mind, my soul.