That was our conversation for the evening between my Mom and I. Oooh what a combo it is. I honestly do love how we can switch gears so quickly and talk about the lighthearted life stuff, and then go on talking about her having to take another extra dose of pain medication because she is having the breakthrough pain. The medical definition of breakthrough pain is a pain that comes on suddenly for short periods of time that is not alleviated by the patient's normal pain management medicine. It is common in cancer patients who often have a background level of pain controlled by medications, but whose pain periodically "breaks through" the medication. Her breakthrough pain used to happen about once maybe every two weeks. They then upped her normal daily dosage of medications. But now the breakthrough pain is making its' presence known more frequently. Maybe three to four times a week. Sad. Very heartbreaking and not so fun. It used to be that when she first experienced this breakthrough pain, she sort of panicked. Unsure of what it was, if it needed to be reported to Hospice, and what she should do. Now she seems incredibly nonchalant in bringing it up in conversation. It has become a part of the plan. A part of her life. A normal. I think she is definitely coming to terms with what her body is trying to tell her. Peace with what is happening, maybe? Not quite sure if I can put my finger on it, but the worry and the panic and the heartache is not there anymore when breakthrough pain comes on. She knows what to do, what meds to take to make it better, and exactly when to do it. She has become a professional at this point of managing her own 'hell'. I'm pretty certain I would never be able to go on like she is going on with life. I don't think that I would want to end my own life, but I would not be able to do what she does and say what she says with the dignity and grace that she has. That in itself has blessed me with a wish that I had made not too long ago. I want my Mother to be able to handle this demon with grace and dignity. She has achieved that. Hands down. I can't begin to fathom what is growing inside of her abdomen, as now she can feel the cancer tumors just by poking around at her stomach. The cancer is doing one of two things, growing at an exponential rate, or she's just losing so much weight that the tumors are now easier to detect. Either way....no good can come out of it. Ugh...I have no words. I want her to have her good days back. I want desperately for her to go 10 days straight feeling grand and ready to take on the world. Instead those good days are being plagued more frequently with pain. Pain from the demon inside. It's the nature of the beast. We all know the cancer is growing. It's a given fact. Can't ignore it no matter how much you want to. It's the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about, but by looking at her, the elephant is snorting and stomping and making it known that it's here to stay.
And all that time talking to her about the breakthrough pain, she stops the conversation and wants to know how my son is doing. Making sure he recovered from his latest bout of illness. Checking in to see how the kids are doing at school, what they are wearing for homecoming week, and coaxing me feverishly to go and see the doctor about my leg injury and offering to pay for it. Talking about smart phones and how she will be getting a smart phone before anyone in my family. I HAD TO give her a rash of crap about that one ;) Told her I will send over Brayden and Averee so that they could teach her how to use it. And in one swift second, she mentioned to me that she told her husband not to sign a two year contract with the cell company because she will not be around to see the term through. Ouch. That one stung. I mean I am NOT stupid or naive or lame to the fact that she will one day indeed be defeated by the demon cancer. I just would rather not hear it from her. I hear defeat in the tone of her voice when she speaks of the future and what she will miss and what she won't forget. It's a defeat and a sadness all rolled into one. Her heart is hurting mostly because she will not see her grandkids graduate from high school, go to prom, or see them drive cars for the first time. She will miss the opportunity to give them advice when the time comes that a boy or a girl will break their hearts. There's so much that she will miss. BUT there is so much we can give her right now to take with her before she leaves. Love, support, hugs, giggles, memories, photos, visits, stories, compassion. Family. That's all we really have to give her. She knows this. Family is forever no matter where you end up in life.
And so her week was not so stellar. And my week and my month has not been so stellar. We are looking forward to September 29th. That will be a day that will remain in our hearts and our minds forever. I can't think of a better way to end a sh*tty month. The renewing of the vows. I will graciously take as many photos as I can to remember this day and to help her remember as well. It will be amazing. It will be sad. It will be priceless. It will be WORTH IT to cry every tear I will cry that day. Worth.every.second. Because we do not know how long God will let us be with her. Mom does not know how long she will be with us. None of us know. For now, living life and loving her. That's all we can do. Outstretching my hand and my unwaivering support each and every day. For her. For us. God, I ask you to bless us with more time. If you feel that Mom has done her duties here on earth, we will all try and understand. But for now I am asking You for more time.
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