That is the quote from my mom...she is baffled, confused, frustrated, exhausted, and just plain tired. She had 10 magnificent days, 10 STRAIGHT DAYS without taking any anti nausea meds, without feeling like she was going to lose her lunch, only one day with any breakthrough pain, more energy to get her household chores done. 10 days. That all changed last night. Cancer reared its' ugly head again and put her back down for the count. There's no other way to describe this....I HATE IT. Won't beat around the bush here...just not a big fan of the ole ways and means of the cancer. Nope. And neither is she. Bouts of vomiting, extreme fatigue, nausea, not being able to get out of bed at all until 2pm. And a fever of 103.3 to top it all off. The fever lasted all.day.long. They got it to gradually come down, and by the time I got ready to leave her house around 5:30pm, it was 99.5. Better...not perfect but better. It was NOT a good day for my Momma. Not one teeny bit.
So of course I went to visit and let her hubby go run some errands while I kept Mom company. I asked her the 'elephant in the room' question. "So, what do YOU think about all this? What are YOUR feelings on what is happening?" She looked at me through bloodshot, fatigued eyes and said, "You know, Michelle, I am not soo sure. I am thinking this is going a lot faster than I thought it would. I have no definite thoughts on when the end is. Today I am scared. Last night I was scared. Today and last night was not fun. I am soo tired." .......ouch........ I sunk back in her recliner and soaked in every word she had to say, even if the sentences were interrupted by her uncontrollable yawning. I heard every syllable she uttered. I am scared as well. We are both scared. On one hand I am incredibly grateful that we are able to have an open and honest conversation together about the 'elephant in the room', but on the other hand I am mad as HE%$ that I have to be having this conversation. Hearing her on the phone the last ten days was soo positive. Soo happy. Today she was defeated again. Not down and out forever, but beaten for the day. Probably the next couple of days, too. Always takes two to three days for her to fully recover from these ailments. One day she will come to a point where she will not recover. I am hoping this is not that time.
So to all that pray, please do so...pray for strength, and for healing, for her to know she is loved, and for peace. Pray for dignity, confidence, painless days, and sleepy filled nights. <3
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