Probably shouldn't blog tonight...

but I can't help it.  My head is spinning with too much emotion right now NOT to blog.  Let's just start this post out by saying my Mom had a STELLAR week.  Hardly any pain, only had to take breakthrough meds one time :)  That should make me a very very happy daughter, eh?  Well it seems like that is not the case.  Don't get me wrong I am ESTATIC at the fact that they have upped her meds enough to control the pain better.  That in itself is amazing.  But if you know me, and I know some of you know me too well, I am a constant worrier when it comes to my Mom.  I fret and ponder and think about her every minute of every day, wondering when the next attack will be, or even if we will have any warning about the pending attack.  I obsess over her, almost to a fault.  I am sure in the back of her head, every time she hears the alert on her phone for a text message, she knows its me checking up on her, and she's thinking ...."I am just FINE Michelle".  When in reality she's not fine.  She will never be healthy.  She will never recover.  BUT she is doing pretty good right now, so here's the question....WHY AM I NOT HAPPY???  Any thoughts on this....please feel free to interject at any time and let me know what in the HELL I am doing wrong ?!?  Because, well, I don't know.

All of these feelings I have are soo foreign to me.  Soo strange, new, scary, and I don't like most of them.  Some days I am ok and I smile all day long thinking that the world is grande and the sky is blue and I am gonna make it through another day without completely losing it.  Then there are days like today.  They drag on and I can't stop obsessing about the future and what it will bring and when things will happen and how.  I say things I don't mean to the people that love me the most, and then take a step back and replay what just happened, and realize I am THE biggest ass ever.  Wow.....how do people even deal with me on a daily basis?  What is wrong with me?  How could I spew such venom and get soo much love in return?

I know why.....  My faith in my family and my friends is unwavering.  No matter how much I vent, or how shy I am around new people and clam up, my 'posse' gets me through.  They make me realize that I am loved and it is ok to break down here.  I hold my emotions in for soo long, and by the time I am ready to bust out at the seams, I lash out instead.  Uncontrollable diarrhea of the mouth.  But they still love me and hug me when I collapse into the 'ugly cry' and tell me the hardest part is yet to come.  Somedays I think I can't do it. I am soo tired....I cannot carry on, then I put on my big girl panties and realize this is NOT about me, and I won't make it about me (for more than a few minutes during that ugly cry where I desperately need hugged).  My Mom is the one suffering from terminal cancer, not me.  I will get her through this.  She will get me through this.  And in turn my friends and family will get me through one step at a time, one day at a time.  For that I am eternally grateful.  You all know who you are <3  My gratitute towards the ones that love me without judging me is not to be measured.  I could not say enough thank you's.  So for now, I will stomp on through another day and realize things will be ok in the end.  If they are not ok, it's not the end.....