Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Took two days worth of courage...

...to write the blog entry.  Two days.  Yep.  Still don't know if I will get into words what I feel and what is happening, but by God I will TRY...because right now, that's all we can do.

"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace....to make you feel my love. "

I feel like she's losing her battle to cancer.  I know that she's losing her battle to cancer.  And up until about two weeks ago, the road was just a bit rocky, a little bumpy here and there, but easy driving, per say.  We have now hit large, gaping potholes in the road.  Bricks being thrown, sharp turns we didn't even know were there.  This s.u.c.k.s.  Cancer sucks.  What cancer is putting my Mother through SUCKS.  No other word could take the place of sucks.

The pothole that she has been confronted with the last week is the nausea and vomiting again.  VERY painful, extremely exhausting, physically challenging, to say the least.  The nausea meds will work when she can get them to stay down, and when she is not apprehensive about drinking the water to swallow the actual pill.  She has the fast dissolving tablets as well, but the thought of putting ANYTHING in her mouth when she is feeling ill, well you know the feeling.  It's the furthest thing from your mind.  Add into the nausea and vomiting mix a fever of 102.7.  Yeah....that's a biggie.  This whole episode started around 3am and didn't end till around noon when she was finally able to get up out of bed for the hospice visit.  I ended up leaving work early to be there for this specific visit, and when I walked into my Mom's house, I almost dropped to my knees.  The pain and fear and loathing and disgust in her eyes was evident.  She was disgusted with the fact that she was in bed until noon.  She was fearful of what this whole episode means and when it will repeat itself (which it WILL).  Loathing the fact that cancer has picked her body to invade.  Pain from the violent shaking during her fever, and the constant pain in her back from the tumors.  I have NEVER seen her look this miserable.  And yet, I was greeted with a small smile and I hugged her.  I didn't want to let her go.  I kept hugging her frail shoulders and she cried tears of fear on my shoulder.  As much as she tried to assure me that I didn't need to leave work, I do believe that she was pleased that I was there for her.

The Hospice visit was very imformative for all of us, and of course, I am convinced that Essence of Life are really Angels in Disguise.  Honest and trusting, I love them dearly.  They bumped up (doubled) the pain meds and sent off some different prescriptions to combat the nausea better and get that under control.  The ONE thing my Mom hates is the vomiting.  It's soo incredibly painful for her and she is NOT a big fan.  We have got to find a way to control it to end that suffering.  Hospice is doing all they can for her.

Hospice also suggested maybe increasing her weekly visit to twice a week, but of course my stubborn Mother says no.  I swear she is more bull headed than me ;)

So my feelings and my emotions and my sanity has all been checked this week.  And it's only Tuesday.  I am figuring out more and more about myself every single day.  Figuring out my limits and my breaking points.  Monday's episode had me shaking uncontrollably, but still managing to finish out work for another two hours before leaving.  I don't know how much my emotions can tolerate, but so far, so good.  Not gonna lie....it's NOT easy, but we are coping.  Momma is my rock.  My heart.  My soul.  My Mom.

She is feeling a bit better today and didn't sleep the entire day away, but slept in quite late this morning.  Right now the bad days are outweighing the good, and she is bound and determined to turn that around.  Keep praying <3  I know I will continue the fight....

"I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue...I'd go crawling down the avenue...No there's nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel my love <3 "

2 comments:

  1. I have not been able to keep up with this blog every day like I want to...but today was a good day to be here. I have so much empathy for you...my hearts just breaks. My father died very slowly from cancer and I know he suffered unimaginable things, he was in a hospital for the 8 months of his life. But I was just a child of 10-11...I wasn't allowed to see the bad stuff. I just know I watched him go from a healthy virile man - 240lbs of lean muscle....down to 98 lbs of skin and bones. I know that I can't make you feel any better my friend, but I just want to say how sorry I am that you all are suffering through this disgusting disease and tell you that you are loved!!

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  2. I've sat here and thought and thought about what to reply to this but it all comes down to the simple fact that I've read it and my heart hurts for both of you. Literally aches. I hate that you have to go thru this, I hate that she has to go thru this. But, I'm here for you should you need me. <3!!! AND I"m praying for all of you that are fighting this battle.

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