I let myself go and have fun this weekend. I sat by a warm fire surrounded by two amazing women, partaking in wine drinking, some giggles, weird instagram photos, lots of laughs and a few tears, too. Even before hanging with my girls, I was out and about wearing a smile at the football game watching my red head cheer. After that splendid Friday evening, I continued on living a carefree life with my better half while my Dad and wife soo graciously took my kids to the state fair and kept them overnight. And for 24 full hours, I forgot the pain in my Mom's life. I forgot about the cancer. I forgot about the heartache. I forgot about the worry. It was awe inspiring. It was glorious and I don't feel guilty. If I would have tried escaping my reality for 24 hours just two months ago, I would NOT have been able to do it. Is there an inner peace that is grabbing hold? Not sure at this point WHAT it is. I know it has something to do with strengthening my power of prayer and my relationship with God. I don't have to go to church to do that. I pray daily, sometimes more than twice daily, and I feel Him. I know he is there. He is NOT revealing the answers I want from him right now, but in exchange for the lack of answers, He gave me 24 hours to forget. To love life, to enjoy moments with my better half and to let loose and relax. I now realize how much of that is missing in my life. I am only 38. Some days I feel eons older. It's not a good feeling. It's not the physical labor that is taxing, it's the mental stress, and the anxiety attacks. It can drag me down to lows I thought I would never come in conflict with. So forgetting 'reality' for 24 hours was good. Very good. Outstanding. I wish for a repeat of this weekend sometime SOON.
Whilst I forgot that the reality of cancer sucks, Sunday snuck up on me and bit me in the aft end...hard. Sundays are usually detrimental days for my mom when it comes to emotions. We used to always spend Sundays as a family together. It was her 'routine' day, getting her chores done, house cleaned, and ready to face another week. Sundays are grim reminders for both of us. She struggles weekly with Sundays. Roller coaster emotions, worry, fear, and 'why me' are just a slice of what goes through her head. I am sure she ponders those thoughts daily, but Sunday's seem worse. I wish Sundays no longer existed for right here, in the now. I would love to take her 'worry days' away. I would love to hug the anxiety and the fear and the why me's away as well. But alas I cannot. What I can do is make sure that if I am not there in her presence, that I am texting and calling her all day long. Checking in, loving her, letting her know that today is just another day to be at peace and to love life. But it's hard. I wish I could give her the chance to for 24 hours, JUST FORGET that she has cancer. But how do you do that when the person you are trying to help them forget, is going to imminently die from this? It is a looming question that I have yet to find the answer to.
As I was blog surfing tonight, I found this...
Caregiving is hard work. Caregiving is pain. Caregiving is loving and giving and sharing. Caregiving is accepting and learning new things and going on, and on, and on. Caregiving is lots of questions and very few answers.
That last sentence is a bell ringer for me....lots of questions and very few answers. Will go ahead and admit in the here and now that I am a bit of a control freak, and NOT having very many answers is something I will NEVER get used to. e.v.e.r. n.e.v.e.r.
BUT I would not want any other person to help care for my mom. I have no siblings, its just me and her hubby and we are doing the best we can to keep her safe, sound, happy, healthier, and loved. Now if I could just help her "for 24 hours, forget....."
As much as all of this still hurts my heart that you are going through this, I am still glad you got to get out for a bit and we made you laugh. Even for a bit.
ReplyDeleteAs for God, I feel his hand on my kiddos, Kenny, and me all of the time. It's been a long discussion, church, and it's something we've decided we just didn't/don't need right this second, but I won't ever say no or rule out all together. Praying is healthy. Turning your troubles over to something bigger than you is almost relieving (at least to me) because I'm not letting them go or working on them, I'm just letting something else guide me through it.
Love you, pal. <3!!!