These two words are thrown around in daily conversation far too much for me. I often wonder when I hear someone use the word 'grace' in a sentence...."Do they REALLY know what Grace is?" Same goes for Dignity. The official definition of grace that I agree with is this..."a virtue given by God." Plain and simple. You can not be full of grace or act gracefully if it is not given to you by God. End of story. Have you ever heard of a graceful felon? Or a graceful arsonist? Nope, didn't think so.... In my world, grace is given to you by God and there's one person on this earth that has been endowed with the utmost grace.....my Momma. Even with a terminal illness, that woman has more grace than I have ever wished to have. It was given to her by God, and well, she earned it. She earned the title "Most graceful woman I have ever known" and she should wear that title proudly.
I know my Mom thinks she is doing me a solid by NOT telling me about her breakthrough pain that she has been having more frequently. She chooses her words very carefully making sure to NOT get me too riled up, nervous, worried, and next thing you know I am flying over to Belle Plaine beating my record 9 minute arrival time the first time the massive pain attacks started. I know she thinks she is doing me a favor. I know that she is trying to protect her only child, her baby girl (which she still calls me lovingly). I know what she thinks she is doing feels right to her...but. It doesn't feel right to me. It might be the 'socially acceptable' thing to do, by keeping your loved ones at bay and not letting them know your cancer is progressing. But I don't like it....not.one.single.bit. But I cannot change the protective nature in her. It's always been there and it will always be there, no matter how bad she is feeling. I wish it were different and I wish I didn't have to find out from her husband that her day was really not quite as stellar as she told me it was. The first few times I found out she was 'hiding the truth', I became angry. I wanted to declare to her that she had to immediately STOP lying to me. I was feeling selfish for sure, scared 100%. But as the next few pain episodes arose and she would tell me of one or two of them and not all of them, I began to realize she was doing what she THOUGHT was the right thing to do. I thank God for her husband that has always offered up the brutal truth to me no matter when I ask for it. Otherwise I might never have known the truth about how far the cancer is progressing. I do realize now in hindsight that what she hides from me or just 'forgets' to tell me about, I have to be O.K. with that. It's her way to deal with her cancer with grace and with dignity. I can give her that much....Hell I would give her my life if I could to save hers. This does not mean that I will not whisper under my breath some strong profanities when I hear that her days are not going as well as planned, but I promise that I will never let her hear that. I will give her the stink eye, maybe, a frown possibly, a hug, most definitely. Because a woman with grace and dignity protects her loved ones, no matter what, until the bitter end...and I need to learn to accept that.
We would all do the same for our kids, no matter how old they are :)
ReplyDeleteGod bless her, what an amazing woman she is.
I know that can be so hard, Michelle. My dad has done the same thing to me to the point where he won't tell me when he's had to spend a night in the hospital! It gives me nightmares that he won't tell me when things get really bad for him and I want to be there for him. I need to be there for him. So we just make connections more often now, before things get bad. I know you are very connected to what is going on with your mom. She knows that too. You are doing the right thing by still letting her be your mom and protect you while still getting the information you need to care for her. Keep doing what you are doing and remember our love and prayers are here for you all.
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