Safe and Sound...

In my Mother's presence, still to this day at age 38,  I feel safe from the worlds' evil.  I feel protected and I feel protective at the same time.  She comforts me without even knowing she does.  I don't know how she does it, but she does.  And she does it w.e.l.l.  She is the ultimate Mom.  I can call her with ANY issues, big or small.  I know she will be listening intently upon what I have to say, and offer up her opinion if I want it.  I have never felt more safe than when she is in my corner.  Protecting me from outside influences, raising me as a single mother, guiding me during raising my children, and still to this day, while she is suffering, it's rarely about making HER feel safe.  She makes it about me.  About my kids.  About feeling safe and secure.  I can only hope to become more like her.  I strive to be like her.  I want to be able to make my children feel as safe as she makes me feel.  It's a natural gift that has been bestowed upon her and I am praying I receive that same gift.

Even during Kamy's birthday party this weekend, while she was having massive breakthrough pain, was wobbly, weak, and could barely keep her balance, she travelled to our home just to watch her grandkids smile when the bouncy house arrived.  We perched her a chair in the back door of the garage to keep her out of the sun, and she just grinned from ear to ear watching the kids.  My heart sank deeper that day as I watched her soak in the moment, and I realized, yes, we are making lasting memories.  But this will most likely be the last of Kamy's birthday's she sees.  I can't help but go back to that thinking.  Mentally preparing....for anything life brings us.  And we know pancreatic cancer will get her.  I go into Mommy mode and try to prepare.  Really, WHO am I kidding?  I am not prepared in the slightest.  It would be the biggest fu&*in lie if I were to tell you "I am ready."  But as I watched my Mother sit in the garage and have chats with the kids about school and birthdays and bouncy houses, my heart was brought back up from sinking low, and I remembered to savor the moment.  Right now is what counts.  Right here.  This very moment.  I am still a work in progress when it comes to living in the now, but I am continually trying to 'get it right.'

This weekend was not soo good for my Momma.  A couple of days of breakthrough pain, waking up in the middle of the night from pain, and just all around total exhaustion.  I can't believe that she is declining.  Maybe it's denial for me right now, but I am concentrating on believing that she is holding steady.  I know deep down it's a slow progression in decline.  It's easier to convince myself that I have less to worry about some days.  I have embedded a 'happy life' mantra into my head, so therein lies my ability to see the positive light.  Granted, if I were to sit down and write down the amount of breakthrough pain medication she has taken in the last five days combined with the added amount of hours she is sleeping in the day, I would have actual physical proof that there is a decline.  But that won't do me one bit of good.  I focus on her and the day and the moment and how she is doing.  Might not be everyone's approach to an ugly situation, but it's my way of dealing.  It's working for me right now.  So continue on....

And a much more grim note, the tumors that she was able to feel in her abdomen three weeks ago have more than tripled in size.  That is my best guess estimate.  No doctor visits have been made, nor will there ever probably be another doctor visit, so this is my doctor estimate.  Three weeks prior, the tumors were just on one side of her abdomen, and now they are felt 3/4 of the way across her abdomen.  Not a good sign.  Positive thing about this is that the tumors for the moment are not causing her pain in front, just the lymph nodes behind her aorta and her pancreas are causing the back pain.  I have to be honest and I have to keep on....for her.  I love her to the Moon and back.  She is my sparkly star that I wish on each and every evening.  My reason for being a better 'me' and for giving that extra effort to make her smile.

I would love to have her be able to go to the hospital and have her tumors removed, but God has different plans.  We will go with that plan, like it or not.  I have yet to know the reason for why God has chosen her to be afflicted with this disease.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  I sure as he&* don't know what that reason is yet.  What I am sure of is when I know, I will KNOW.....waiting.....to know why.

Please God, keep her safe and sound from pain and suffering.  Let her be happy and be surrounded by love and joy and peace and dignity <3