Those Hard Conversations....

Those talks are not fun...the hard conversations.  It's the elephant in the room each and EVERY time we get together.  That elephant is Pancreatic cancer.  We all know it's there.  We all know it ain't goin' nowhere.  We all know what it will do.  The hard part is discussing what it is going to do, what to expect, what not to expect, what to be fearful of, and what questions to ask.  Hard conversations on any level in ANY relationship are not enjoyable.  But once you find the courage to have those types of talks, you will often find out that the both of you are on the same page and have the same beliefs, hopes, worries, and fears.  I find myself becoming more and more at ease discussing the difficult times ahead.  Sort of 'joking' about some things right along with my Mom.  Some of the topics she jokes around with would without a doubt make an outsiders' jaw drop straight to the ground in shock.  I know the first time she made a reference to dying of cancer, I was dumbstruck, but immediately followed up by saying "I want no part in this type of conversation yet."  She respected my wishes and never said another word about 'dying' or talking about when she would no longer be with us.  Those types of conversations for me were the HARDEST.  I could not and would not hear her thoughts on what my life and her husbands life would be like after she was gone.  I couldn't fathom it, would not imagine it, Hell I even denied it.  Pretty vehemently, too.  Had zero desire to discuss it.  But peace and love and acceptance have changed me....

I am happy to admit that I am now o.k. with talking about what to expect when we get closer to the end of life.  I have even gone so far as to ask Hospice some HARDCORE questions right in front of my Mom.  No hiding it there...just being brutally honest asking for direction, guidance, and answers.  There are days when my Mom now feels it is appropriate to talk about her wishes as she transitions.  I talk and I give input, but most importantly I LISTEN...I listen with an open mind and an open heart.  Two months ago, there was not a chance I would have been able to do that.  Not. ONE. single. chance.  So I am here to confess that I am growing, changing, learning, stumbling, making mistakes, and acknowledging the real.  It''s real, it's here, it's not going anywhere.  My 'real' will be here whether or not I hide from it.   I am aware that I am making baby steps in the direction of being a better daughter...working on tackling that elephant in the room!