Thank Goodness for photos...

I have always had a vested interest in taking photos.  I can even remember back in high school longing to have one of the elite cameras that I could never afford.  Back then there were no cell phones that took pics of every single moment of every day.  Just film cameras.  Heck I didn't even go completely digital until around 2004.  Photos for me are one of THE most important ways to save the memories.  Aside from memory of the events, I can't think of any better way to reminisce about events than to sit down and flip through a photo album, or browse my many cd's full of photographs.  It's a true passion of mine to take photos, and one day 'when I grow up', I would love to become a professional photographer for the St. Louis Cardinals or the Iowa Hawkeyes.  I dream big...won't lie there.  But my dreams are for another blog post.  I am speaking of photos on this post because I received a picture message from my Mom's hubby, as I do almost every weekend.  He is constantly sending me photos of Mom doing her everyday tasks including taking care of her wacko puppy.  I love this part of my weekend.  Seeing the pic messages makes me smile, and helps to ease any concerns I may be having on that day.  Today was like any other weekend.  He had sent me one photo that immediately caught my attention, and for a good reason at first.  Here's the photo...it's relatively small in size, but speaks volumes to me...

I immediately grinned upon opening the picture message.  My Momma and her puppy sitting outside enjoying the splendid weather.  Just 'hanging out' and enjoying her day.  Then I looked a little closer at the photo.  My heart hurt a little.  Then a lot.  If you notice what I noticed, she is dropping weight like there's no tomorrow.  Her arms are soo small.  She looks soo frail.  Is this what everyone else sees too, and I have just been hiding  this truth from myself?  I know I have mentioned a couple times that I thought she seemed to be losing pounds, but this picture solidified what I did not really want to know or accept.  It's all part of the disease.  The nature of this nasty beast called pancreatic cancer.  I know this is what happens.  Doesn't mean I have to like it, but I need to face it and face it head on.  There is nothing I can do to control her weight or how thin she will ultimately get.  Acceptance of this fact is key for me.  I have real issues with seeing the strongest woman I have EVER met become so frail looking and thin.  It's something I need to immediately come to terms with.  I know that right now she is still that amazingly resilient woman that has taken pancreatic cancer head on and never tried to duck and dodge and hide.  She is still that woman that when I call her, even though she is having pain and miserable, will ask to make sure I had gone to the doctor for my leg and to make sure I am taking care of myself.  She is still my rock.  My world.  My go-to gal when I need advice.  She is still my shoulder to cry on, I am her shoulder to lean on.  I will listen to her rant and rave about how pissed off she is some days that she has been afflicted with this disease, and then the next day, turn around and fight off the pain and nausea like she has been doing it all her life.  Even though she is quickly losing weight, I need to remind myself that she is still STRONG.  No matter what the exterior says.  That's a daunting task for me.  I feel like I need to coddle her, protect her, love her, chastise her for what she is and is not eating.  I want to make sure she doesn't lose any more weight.  I know that's not my choice, nor is it an option.  So acceptance is key....thin or not, she is still as fiesty as ever.  She will always be my Mom.