I can't even begin to explain to anyone not affected by a loved one suffering from cancer what it actually does to you, your friends, your family, and your peace of mind. There are things that happen with the ones afflicted with cancer that you KNOW would not otherwise happen if they didn't have the disease. Things that may be said or not said, things they do, choices they make. It affects nearly every aspect of their lives and the caregiver's as well. And this part of the disease...what it makes a person do and not do, it Hurts...with a capitol H. Hurts the heart and the head and the mind and the soul. I am not even sure how to explain it so that others know what we all go through and feel, but imagine yourself living a completely normal life, going to work everyday to the same job that you have had for over 30 years, looking forward to retirement, loving watching your grandkids grow into bright young little adults. Then all of a sudden the rug under your feet is literally yanked and you fall on your a$$. No spotter to catch you, no cushion to fall on. No preset plan that will happen. Never knowing when you will be sick. Never knowing when you will be well. Not knowing if you will see your grandkids mature and age. Everything that you have ever known to be normal is now GONE. That in itself would make anyone's mind say and do things that are not in the norm. That they would not normally do. Some of the things that they say or do may hurt the ones they love, or make the hearts of the ones they love hurt. Its a hurt and a pain that I have never experienced until now. The 'going ons' of the last few days has made one statement replay over and over and over in my head. My inner self saying....WOW what disease does this to people? How can this even happen? WHY does this even happen?" And occasionally it will float towards...."Why Me? Why does my life suck? Why do problems pile up in threes or fours or whatever God deals me? Why?" Why? Can't answer that, have no explanation, haven't forgiven anyone for what is going on. But I do know this...It is what it is and that's that. It's a horribly over used cliche but it works for me. It is what it is and I cannot change cancer. Her cancer is INCURABLE. It will never go away and it will continue to reak havoc on her frail frame. I will continue to get the phone calls from her crying on the other end because of the nausea and vomiting, pain and fatigue, roller coaster emotions and brief meltdowns. She will continue to refuse to let me come to her aid every single evening and just keep her company. She does not want that right now. She knows there will come a day when she will have to rely on me to help her in the evenings. But I need to let her come to terms with that on her own. All by herself. So for now, while the cancer makes hideous things happen, lets my emotions get the best of me, and continues to try and beat her down, let this be known. NO MATTER WHAT she says or does or does not do, I LOVE HER. She is a fighter. Plain and simple, no big words here coming from my mouth because, well....none are needed. She is my inspiration for keeping the smile on my face and the bounce in my step. If she can walk through her day to day life with some giggles, grins, and heartwarming texts (which is my FAVORITE part of my day) I can certainly practice forgiveness for what cancer does to her <3
I will just apologize right now if it seemed as if I rambled uncontrollably. BUT this blog is made literally for that reason. To get those ramblings out of my head so that I don't take them to bed with me. I don't dwell as hard on them if I get the thoughts out to someone that will read and possibly be going through the same things as me. Maybe in the grand scheme of things, I will shine a light somewhere for someone and help them gain back the bounce in their step?
Pal, you shine a light wherever you go just by being you. <3 And whatever happens, you love each other and sometimes that's really all that matters.
ReplyDeleteMiss Michelle, You weren't rambling. At least not to me. To me everything you said made perfect sense. Maybe it is because of what I went through with my mom. I just wish I would've been as mature as you so I could've understood more what was going on with her at the time but I should give myself a break. I was only a junior in high school. When you are going through the self-centered teen phase it isn't the ideal time to go through something like that that requires so much of you for someone else. And one thing I hated about that damned disease was what it did to her that made her say things she never would've even thought when she was well. My mom was the most kind, loving woman I have ever met. She had been through so much in her life and adopted me when I was 5 days old and took me in as her very own even when I was very sick as an infant. But when she was toward the end of her fight I had to visit her in the hospital one night because she had a nightmare that she believed was true - that my dad was killed in a car accident - and we were supposed to come at 1:00 am to comfort her and show her we were all ok. When the nurse said, "Look, Lorna. They are all here. You know these girls, don't you?" My mom looked at me with hate in her eyes - a look I had never seen before - and said , "Yes. They used to be my daughters but they aren't anymore." My sister & I had to leave the room. And we forgave her because it wasn't her talking...It was the cancer. But it is still hard and it is still seared in my memory. Oh the things I would give up to have her back...Just know there are those of us who do understand and we are here to talk with you whenever you need it. That won't change even when we are a few more miles apart. Love you lots and keep sharing and keep loving your mom just as you are doing. <3
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