I'll stand by you

Take me in into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you...

One song that I listen to over and over....I"ll Stand By You by Carrie Underwood.  It speaks what I cannot say.  There are times when I stumble over my own thoughts and can't spit out any sort of words that make sense.  I get flustered that I can't SAY what I am thinking, and then I just don't say anything.  So I turn to music.  I'm sure a lot of you do that as well.  "I'll Stand By You" has played repeatedly in my head for the last week.  I keep thinking of the darkest of hours and the brightest of days.  I think of the good days that my Mom is able to experience, but we all know that with the good days, the bad days will come as well.  Today was one of those BAD days.  Not a good day.  A bad, very bad, not soo fun, let's call Hospice to check on her Bad Day.  Yeah....-----sigh-----  After having three or four good days in a row, it crushed her spirit I am sure.  So goes the story....

Waking up early in the morning to vomit is not the idea of a fun filled day for a pancreatic cancer patient who has already had her insides 're-plumbed' during whipple surgery AND has had hernia surgery that went drastically wrong (but that's another story altogether).  Even the thought of vomiting scares the dickens out of my Mom.  It's not a pleasant act for ANYONE let alone her.  Well that's how her day started today...and vomiting for a p/c patient could be a very very very bad signal that things are going terribly wrong.  It could be a bile duct obstruction, which is the worst case scenario.  It could be viral.  Could be a flu bug.  Could be something she ate.  Top all that off with the fact that she ran a fever of 101 all day long, and you have the ingredients for a horribly rotten Friday.  Her hubby texted me right away letting me know what was going on, of course I was at work and I FROZE right in my tracks.  I could feel my chest getting tighter, my eyes welling with tears, and I was on the verge of dropping to my knees in utter fear.  BUT I didn't. I wanted to, but didn't.  I took a 'break', gathered what courage I could and waited for Hospice to call. After waiting no longer than maybe 30 minutes, Sarah was nice enough to let me know they did NOT think it was a bile duct obstruction.  My lungs filled back with oxygen and I picked myself back up and put myself back together and went on with my day.  I literally BLOCKED what just transpired out of my head until check out time.  I have not one single clue how I did it, but I just worked.  Didn't think, didn't talk, didn't break, just worked.

This afternoon and evening was better for her, no sickness, just fever, LOTS of couch time and went to bed extremely early.  She was exhausted but refused to cancel our 'date' for tomorrow.  I honestly don't care if our girl date includes time watching t.v. in her living room at this point.  I am excited, I will bring chocolate to share, and I will go where the day takes me.  Because HONESTLY today scared me.....a lot.  A whole lot. I am strong most days and I am brave other days and I am weak in the knees most days.  Today was just another gut check.  Another bad day...and a grim reminder that I am in no way, shape or form ready for her to leave.  Nope.  Not yet.  Paralyzing fear is how I would describe it...but are you ever ready to say goodbye to any loved one??  I doubt it.  I'm normal....for now.