dealing with guilt is something NO ONE wants to do...because it usually means you have done wrong. In fact, the actual definition of guilt is the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability. Guilt is oh soo two sided though. Have you ever thought if it that way? You can be guilty of a crime or wrong doing but feeling guilty is self induced. It's ashamed - feeling shame or guilt or embarrassment or remorse. I suffer from the latter....self induced guilt, and there's a rhyme but no reason for me to feel that guilt.
I started feeling my 'guilt' the day my Mom was diagnosed. I thought...Why not me? Why her? Why do I get to be healthy and happy when this woman busted her ass day and night and on the weekends too as a single mother to make damn sure I had a roof over my head a new car to drive when I turned 16? This woman who was now diagnosed with a terminal cancer would have and STILL would crawl to the ends of the earth just to see me smile.
The guilt continued on through all her treatments. If I missed a treatment because of work, guilt was thick. If I could not be there for her to hold her hand and chat during the 6 hour infusion, I was riddled with shame. Granted there were good reasons as to why I couldn't be there for every treatment, but nonetheless, the self induced guilt was there.
After the disease metastasized and progressed, the guilt came in a different form. It's a guilt I should not feel, but I do feel shame somedays for 'having a life' and having fun'. I feel guilty for being able to go out in the hot son with my son and play some baseball. I feel guilty I am healthy enough to work and can't spend every single day with her making more memories. The shame rears its' ugly head some days just when I laugh. I catch myself saying "How dare you enjoy yourself when your Mother is at home dying?" It honestly is the hardest form of feeling to shake. It's not like a bad mood. Those usually go away after I get a good nights' sleep. Not guilt....it's just hanging on.
I have postponed any vacations or trips or outings too far away from home because the guilt I would feel IF something happened while I was far away is too much to handle. That would be something I could NOT live the rest of my life feeling. But I know what I need to do now to get over the guilt that rears its' ugly head. I need to give myself PERMISSION to be guilt free. To be happy, carefree, and enjoy my health. That permission in the long run will serve to make me a better person, a better mother, a better daughter. Working on that....
Tomorrow is the visit from Hospice and my Mom told me she asked them to bring a scale so she can weigh herself. When she mentioned that to me, my heart stopped and I instantly bit my tongue. I was ready to spew out insanity asking her WHY she would want to do this? She has lost a TON of weight and is very thin. This is what happens to pancreatic cancer patients. They lose weight rapidly until there is no more weight to lose. I think curiosity is getting the best of her. I think that if she could choose her day or week to make her transition into Heaven, she would definitely do that as well. Maybe seeing her weight on a scale is her way of gaining control over her feelings? Or maybe not? I am baffled at this thought of her wanting to see her weight loss on paper, per say. But it is what it is and if she wants to be weighed, then let it be done. I will support that decision.
I will leave you with a quote, because if you know anything about me, you KNOW I am always reading quotes, soaking in inspiration and looking for ways to make my thoughts better....
Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, or barely getting by. That feeling is a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it another day. ...we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in this world, to remind us that it won't always be this way.
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