I've got to start somewhere..

The whole premise behind this blog of sorts is to document m thoughts and fears and hopes and prayers for my Mother who is nearing the end stages of Stage IVB Pancreatic Cancer.  I am an avid fan of facebook and posting updates with what has been happening during her weeks, but as of now I feel a bit more unconfortable doing just that.  Everything that is going on is NOT all roses and sweet smelling lillies and flowers and butterflies....we all wish that was the way the story was going to end...quite like a fairy tale.  But reality reminds me on an hourly basis, sometimes minute to minute that that's NOT the way this is all going to go down.
Let's just say for any first time readers sake, My Mom was diagnosed in February 2010 with Stage 2 resectable Pancreatic cancer.  She had the whipple surgery, everything DID come out roses with that.  She did the suggested treatment of six months of chemo, and six straight weeks of radiation five days a week during those six weeks.

In that time, I saw the fighter in my mother...the smiles, the hugs, the 'look of no fear'.  It was there and she wore it on her face like it was meant to be there.  She held me up when I was fearful of the huge biohazard bags that they brought the chemo in, and covered my eyes so I didn't have to watching the insert the ports for the infusion.  She was my ROCK and her positivity kept me on track.

Its safe to say our world was absolutely thrown into dismay once the cancer metastasized to her liver.  We tried three months of double doses of chemo, which made Mom very dizzy, sometimes nauseaus, and experience lots of neurapothy....only to find out that the tumors had more than doubled in size WITH the chemo treatments being administered.  ...it was one of THE absolute hardest doctor visits ever...to sit in a private room with your mother being told there are no other options, to go home and live your life, contact hospice and get your affairs in order.  It sucked the air right out of my lungs, it paralyzed the muscles in my legs, and I could literally feel a fog move in around my head that took weeks to shake off.  It was the one thing we never wanted to hear....Scientific Medicine was not and will not work.  She was sent home to die.

Hospice started coming in mid May 2012 and has been our Godsend, our helpers, our teachers, our friends, and our confidants.  I love them all with all of my being.  I am very grateful for each and every one of them.

What I can't post on facebook, I will post here.....my Mom is not getting any better...in fact she is deteriorating quite quickly.  It frightens me, I'm not gonna lie...it's a feeling I get in my chest just typing this out...harder to breathe and feel like I am constantly trying to find a way to fix things that are unfixable.  She is more and more tired every day.  The pain is starting to come and stay more than come and go.  She is weak and frail and skinny.  BUT to talk to her, her soul is amazing....she finds it in herself to give er grandkids the best 4th of July EVER, sit down on the floor with them and color, go outside and sit for spells and have chats with each kid seperately, and take that time to put her arm around me and tell me "every little thing is gonna be alright".  We know its not.....we are walking around wearing our faith on our shirtsleeves, leaving nothing unsaid EVER and never missing an opportunity to chat on the phone or make a visit to Belle Plaine.

So what I want to use this blog for is the TRUTH....about how she is really doing, about how I am really doing, about how my kids are coping, and my family, too.

Her update from Hospice today was not all horrible, lower blood pressure, a little breakthrough pain, but got that mamaged, sleeping more, eating about the same.  I see and I feel her slipping away a little bit day by day.  Everyday she takes a little piece of me with her...God this woman is my best friend and I beg of you to NOT let her suffer.  She has been my EVERYTHING, my anything, and always will be. Mom and I both think that the end is much closer than others think, so we are preparing for what that really means.  You can't always be prepared but you can be made more aware.

So  I will end my first post saying I love my mother with all the love that God has given me and I will walk on hot coals if that's what it takes to make her comfortable.  Right now its day to day and we are ok with that....